I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"I said, "After the football love"She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs  when the footy finishes".

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My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I replied: " Oh, Yes: it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.
I replied: "Of course, what is it?"
"Speed it up a little, I'm in the fourball behind you!!"

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The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

The authorities think she may have been pushed.:)

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David Feherty's Best Golf Quotes.....

Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."

"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."

"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife."

Tommy Gainey's grip - "They look like two lobsters trying to mate."

"They don't do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It's like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head."

Jim Furyk's swing - "It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

"He's (Luke Donald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AmEx
between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500."

AND, THE EXTRA ONE DESCRIBING V.J. SINGH'S PRODIGUOUS PRACTICE REGIME:

"  VJ HITS MORE BALLS THAN ELTON JOHN'S CHIN"